ShoreBilly’s Swill: More Random Thoughts
Let me start by saying that I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It’s so nice to still have one remaining holiday that doesn’t offend anyone when I wish you well. Personally, one of the things I’m thankful for is that I’m not so overly sensitive and thin skinned that I get offended by the practices and rituals of others. I also hope everyone, like I did, enjoyed the irony of spending Thanksgiving surrounded by our loved ones being thankful for what we have only to see people wake up super early the next day and camp outside of malls and stores in the dark and trample our fellow man just to get a discount on items we don’t really need. You gotta love America. Whomever the first person to come up with the whole “Black Friday” sale thing was, is going to be one of my stops when I complete the construction of my time machine. The only time I’ve ever camped outside of a department store overnight was for Pink Floyd tickets. It was the 80’s, pre-internet and before you could order tickets from your phone or laptop. Those of you in my age group remember when the Ticketmaster was inside of Hecht’s department store. And for what it’s worth, we all had a great time, nobody got trampled, and I got fantastic seats.
I’m not quite ready to start writing the sappy holiday pieces yet. Nor do I have any proclivities to write about politics, religion, or current events. So I can just log on to Facebook and get pissed off at all of those who incessantly rant or post about things they really know nothing about. So with all of that being said, I’m simply going to keep it light this week and delve back into the sacred “green notebook” where I jot down my random thoughts. These are in no particular order, and they have little if any meaning. Please enjoy.
- Does anyone know for sure if rabbits really like carrots? It seems to me that perhaps that may be an unfair stereotype, like I’ve mentioned before about monkeys and bananas. How much would it cast us into a parallel dimension if we were to find out that bunnies actually loathe carrots and much prefer bacon or peanuts?
- I sometimes watch reruns of a program called Law and Order SVU on obscure channels during the day. Oftentimes, there will be an all day marathon, and if you enjoy this show it can be like your birthday on those days. Especially if it’s raining out, the kids are occupied elsewhere, and you’re hungover. I do enjoy the show, and not simply because where else can you view the most vile subject matter there is at 2:00 in the afternoon on basic cable. Nope! The main reason I enjoy these reruns are because to the best of my knowledge, it’s the only show ever that you can watch the credits at the beginning and end and see the names; Ice T, B.D. Wong, and Dick Wolf. Call me childish if you will, but that’s just funny to me.
- It seems to me that a lot of disasters could potentially be thwarted if we just made the entire airplane out of the same material as the “Black Box”. I’m no aerospace engineer, but it seems like something they might wanted to consider.
- Did anyone besides me ever find themselves using a basic everyday household product and suddenly wonder how the hell it took so long to come up with it. I’ll give you some examples of items that have been developed in my lifetime that seemingly both the need and technology were there long before we had them. Self adhesive stamps and envelopes. As recently as when I was in college, I was still licking the back of stamps, and the flaps of envelopes to mail things. Yet as far back as when I was a toddler, we had stickers to put on the calendar for the nights I didn’t piss the bed. So I know the self adhesion technology was available. Why did it take so long? Another example, keeping with the theme of the holiday season, is wrapping paper with the dotted lines on the back so you could cut straight lines. Again, I’m pretty certain that linear technology was available well before this product was. Militaries had been marching in straight lines for centuries before we could wrap a gift without cutting half of Santa’s face off on one end of a box with an ugly sweater in it. Why did it take so long? One more example and I’ll let it go (for now). Ketchup bottles with the pour lid on the bottom. I wasn’t around when this particular condiment was first discovered, but I’d be willing to wager that viscosity has been an issue since its’ inception. And I’m positive that gravity was already available. How many palms were bruised pounding on the bottom of a glass bottle? How many innocent bystanders were doused with globs of ketchup on their shirts from sitting next to some who simply wanted some thick tomato product on their burger? How many fries went cold while waiting for the proper accouterments? Why did these things take so long?
- I firmly believe that anyone under the age of 30 who utter the phrases; “old school” or “back in the day” should be immediately kicked firmly just below the kneecap. Then, while they are bent over in pain, vigorously smack them on both sides of the head with a freshly caught catfish until they beg for mercy. Actually, upon further review, I have such a deep disdain for these two phrases that I don’t think anyone younger than the automobile should be permitted to say them.
- I believe the world would be a better place if Whoopi Goldberg would relegate her work solely to doing voiceovers for animated characters.
- If I live to be 147 years old, there are 2 things that I definitely will never outgrow. If I wake up in the morning, look out the window and see snow on the ground, I will still get excited as if I don’t have to go to school. And I will always laugh at a fart. I don’t care if it’s mine or someone else’s, farts are just plain funny. If you don’t think farts are funny then there’s something wrong with you. I don’t want to live in a world where you can’t laugh at a fart. I’m 45 years old and one of my favorite things to do while driving in the car with my wife and all of my children is hit the window lock button when I break wind so that no one but me can put the windows down. By the time the pungent aroma of my colonic expulsion has found its way to the nasal passages of those I love most, I’m already giggling like a 3-year-old. I’m not necessarily proud of that fact, but it does exist. And now you all can’t unknow that.
Thanks for playing along. Until next week, Syd Nichols
Please share your thoughts and input with me at [email protected]
Incidentally, since I’ve been posting my email address with the column, I’ve only received a small handful of correspondence. I’m not sure if my spam setting is very stringent, or I just plain haven’t gotten any emails from you all. But if you have sent me something and I didn’t respond, it’s because I never got it.