Only a few short weeks into the 2015 season and already this year’s cast members are identifying themselves in droves. I did a similar piece last year, so I’ll try not to be too repetitive, but it’s really the same roles every year being played out by different people. Allow me to explain just what I mean by “cast members”. These are the people who come into the bar and either look or behave in a manner that is so silly or cliche that they fit into a specific role. We’ve all seen them and can identify with them, most of us just don’t designate them with titles or find the humor in them like I do. It also helps that I happen to have a forum in which to make fun of them. This is strictly observational humor and written with no malicious intent, so just laugh and move on. If one of the people I’m about to describe is you, then consider this one of my public service announcements and do what you can to change your behavior. You’re welcome.

Last week I started by identifying the really dumb guy. Unfortunately,  he has many disciples this time of year so we may be using that title again. Many of the people I’m going to describe you’ve all probably seen before, but never realized how entertaining they are until I bring them to light so enjoy. If you happen to be a bartender then you will certainly identify with these clowns.

I’m going to start this week with what is probably the easiest group to poke at, and that is bachelorette parties. I almost feel guilty even writing about them, but they just make it so easy. This is wedding season, so it’s not uncommon for us to see as many as a dozen different bachelorette parties on a Friday or Saturday night. Each one thinks they are completely unique, yet they are all pretty much the same.

First are the uniforms. There are generally two different forms of attire.  There is either the group where every girl in the group wears the “little black dress”, except for the ‘bride to be’ who wears a white dress with a sash explaining to everyone who she is as if it weren’t easy enough to figure out. These groups are easier to spot than a group of middle aged golfers. Both can be seen and identified from about 200 yards by a seasoned bartender.

The other official uniform is the matching tee shirts or tank tops. They’re usually either pink or black and emblazoned with something clever and witty like; “team bride”, or whatever role each girl will be playing in the pending ceremony. The bride of course is the only one of the group wearing a different color.

At the risk of being too rude with my observations, based upon the physical appearance of some of the bride-to-be’s I’ve seen so far this season, I am now convinced that there is someone for everyone. Kudos E-Harmony for giving hope to ugly people everywhere.

If these girls sit down and have dinner, it’s pretty much always the same. If I happen to be working the service bar, I know that the next 12 minutes of my life are really going to suck. I gaze across the room to see 17 annoying girls perusing the drink menu with the same enthusiasm that I looked at the J.C. Penny Christmas catalog every year when it came when I was a child. Moments later an apologetic server is giving me that facial cringe as if to say; “I’m really sorry for what’s about to happen to you.” Moments later I’m muddling, blending, freezing, fresh squeezing and hating every irritating beverage that exists. At least it was completely predictable though.

It’s always entertaining when they order food as well. They each instinctively know that they have to consume enough to have a good base for a long night of drinking, but none of them wants to be “that girl” who orders a full meal and looks like the glutton. So the order usually consists of salads and appetizers with as many things as possible on the side or substituted. It’s always entertaining to me when it comes time for these girls to pay the bill as well because it’s always exactly the same. The server is asking all of his coworkers if he can borrow some pens because he just had to do 17 separate checks, each with a different credit card.

The bachelorette parties always have specific roles within the group. There’s the awkward girl who has absolutely nothing in common with anyone else in the group. She’s usually a bit on the portly side. She’s more than likely a cousin or coworker of the bride to be and was the obligatory invite. She sits quietly frowning for the evening and avoids any contact. She’s more than likely the first girl to switch over to drinking just ice water.

There’s the vulgar girl. Even though she completely humiliates at least half of the girls in the group, she is the most fun. She was more than likely a sorority sister of the bride to be. She will say or do anything throughout the course of the night with no shred of remorse or dignity. She’s the one who purchased all of the obscene party favors and is the one waving the phallus shaped straw in everyone’s face all night. The ironic thing about her is that she also happens to be the only girl in the group who is happily married.

There’s the miserable girl. She doesn’t want to be here at all and doesn’t have enough couth or tact to hide that fact from her ‘friends’. She brought practically no money out so she barely eats or drinks anything all night. She spends the evening scowling, avoiding eye contact with the other girls and chewing gum in a very grossly exaggerated fashion. She will also spend the entire evening exchanging text messages with her psycho, jealous boyfriend who is checking up on her every 10 minutes. But she lacks the self esteem necessary to dump him.

There’s the girl who ends up crying. She’s usually also the same girl who started off the evening drinking at a pace as if they were going to reinstate prohibition tomorrow. Nobody ever actually knows for sure why she is crying, she just is. There’s always the one girl who becomes her ‘shoulder’ for the rest of the night as well.

Then there’s the “way too many trips to the bathroom girl”. Not every group has this girl, but the ones that do, she is really easy to spot even though she thinks she’s flying under the radar. I can only assume that she is either bulimic, has a fierce case of dysentery, or she’s doing more blow than a Colombian drug mule. What she doesn’t seem to realize or care about is that she’s walking past the same people and bartenders on each of her 20 trips to the hopper and we are all shaking our heads and laughing at her.

Well, I guess that’s a wrap for this week. There are other roles in the bachelorette party that I just don’t have room to mention here, but you get the gist. Next week I’ll get into some of the other roles being played nightly in the bar.

Thanks for playing along.

Until next week, Syd Nichols.
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